A slave to love...
Benji and I have been talking about going to Miami for a night. I could teach Benji to steal a car, he seems intent on learning that skill. Course, I know Armand will have the police track us down and toss us in a jail cell again so that he has to sweep in and come to our rescue. There are times I feel encased in a prison of his own creation.

Prison gates won't open up for me
On these hands and knees I'm crawling
Oh, I reach for you


The sad part is, I don't want to leave. I hate when he and I are apart, and yet, we can't seem to stand each other when we're together. He's asked me several times why I've continually run away from him. Both when I was human and still now that I've become this demon with a ghost soul. The only answer I could give him was that I was trying to prove to myself that I could survive without him... that I didn't love and need him. I've always come crawling back. I love him too much to remain away.

Well I'm terrified of these four walls
These iron bars can't hold my soul in
All I need is you
Come please I'm calling
And oh I scream for you
Hurry I'm falling
I'm falling

I don't mess everything up. I do know how to do everything right and perfect but when I do, I might as well step into the shadows and be passed up. A badly behaved dog is the best analogy I have. The dog has learned to misbehave because that is the only way it can get the master's attention. If it behaves, it's ignored.

Show me what it's like
To be the last one standing
And teach me wrong from right
And I'll show you what I can be
And say it for me
Say it to me
And I'll leave this life behind me
Say it if it's worth savin' me

Why do I need him so much? I don't know. He's asked me to tell him and show him how much I love him. How does one show a feeling that runs so deep that when you are not together, your entire body aches and you can do nothing but break down in tears and cry out their name over and over? He thinks it's all about his beauty, and that may be part of it, he is the most beautiful being I've ever laid eyes on, but that's not WHY I love him. So I'm back to trying to figure out how to show him my love. I'll probably screw that up as well.

Heaven's gates won't open up for me
With these broken wings I'm falling
And all I see is you

Armand doesn't understand that his love, his praise, his touch... are all I need. To feel his arms pulling me close against him. The scent of whatever cologne he's wearing for the night filling the air around us. The brush of his hair against my cheek.

These city walls ain't got no love for me
I'm on the ledge of the eighteenth story
And oh I scream for you
Come please I'm calling
And all I need from you
Hurry I'm falling
I'm falling

Can I ever live up to his expectation? He gives me tasks and tells me I will fail before I can even begin to try. I know he provokes me to ensure I fail, but what I wish I understood better why he has such low expectations of me that he would make such a claim? Am I that much of a disappointment to him?

Show me what it's like
To be the last one standing
And teach me wrong from right
And I'll show you what I can be
And say it for me
Say it to me
And I'll leave this life behind me
Say it if it's worth savin' me
Hurry I'm falling

I do worry that one day I'll call out and he won't come. He'll leave me to my own devices and I'll have lost him for good. He's so very protective of me which I throw back in his face, but at the same time I want it no other way. Does he need me in the same way? Does he ever sit there in his room and scream my name while tears run down his face because he misses me?

Yeah, yeah-hey
And all I need is you
Come please I'm calling
And oh I scream for you
Hurry I'm falling
I'm falling
I'm falling

So how do I become what he wants? Do I bite my tongue? Do I learn to become organized? Do I force my attention span to stay on a task at hand and not become distracted? What I do and how I am he knew quite well before making me his child, what does he want different from me? How do I get him to tell me what he wants when all he does is give me that half smile, half grin that he's perfected as my only answer?

Show me what it's like
To be the last one standing
And teach me wrong from right
And I'll show you what I can be
And say it for me
Say it to me
And I'll leave this life behind me
Say it if it's worth savin' me
Hurry I'm falling

I do it all for you Armand, know that. I will probably always fail in everything you ask of me, but that is me. Can you, and do you, love me even though I hold all of these faults in my being? I need you, I love you... I want to know we will always be alright in the end.

And say it for me
Say it to me
And I'll leave this life behind me
Say it if it's worth savin' me