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I think I must have been a professional kitten-killer in my previous life to have worked up the karmic debt that I'm paying off these days.
I miss Armand something terrible. Yeah, I can admit it.
I've been reading translations, trying to decide which I like best if any. These two stay in my mind:
Wer, wenn ich schriee, horte mich denn aus der Engel Ordnungen?
und gesetzt selbst, es nahmeeiner mich plotzlich ans Herz: ich verginge von seinemstarkeren Dasein. Denn das Schone ist nichtsals des Schrecklichen Anfang, den wir noch grade ertragen,und wir bewundern es so, weil es gelassen verschmaht,uns zu zerstoren.
Ein jeder Engel ist schrecklich.
Who, if I cried out, would hear me among the angels' hierarchies?
and even if one of them pressed me suddenly against his heart: I would be consumed in the overwhelming existence.
For beauty is nothing but the beginning of terror,
which we still are just able to endure,
and we are so awed because it serenely disdains to annihilate us.
Every angel is terrifying.
That line never fails to strike me. I have no idea why. The next is 'Le Revenant' by Charles Baudelaire.
Comme les anges à l'oeil fauve,
Je reviendrai dans ton alcôve
Et vers toi glisserai sans bruit
Avec les ombres de la nuit;
Et je te donnerai, ma brune,
Des baisers froids comme la lune
Et des caresses de serpent
Autour d'une fosse rampant.
Quand viendra le matin livide,
Tu trouveras ma place vide,
Où jusqu'au soir il fera froid.
Comme d'autres par la tendresse,
Sur ta vie et sur ta jeunesse,
Moi, je veux régner par l'effroi.
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(translation)
Like an angel, feral eyed,
Piercing to your sleeping side,
Gliding down with oily flight
In the inwards of the night,
I shall give you, my dark one,
Kisses frozen as the moon,
Caresses such as snakes give
Slithering round the open grave.
When the livid daylights waken
You will find my place forsaken,
Icy till the evening's here:
As others might with tenderness
Rule your life and your youngness
I shall rule you with a fear.
That one reminds me of Armand, hands down. So are my thoughts tonight as I start painting the hallway with streaks. I finished part of my little city. I don't remember how many hours it took me. I distinctly recall starting, but then I was near falling over as dawn crept too close for comfort. I barely made it downstairs. I don't know what's wrong with me these nights. I'm losing time again.
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